On Sexism in Tech

I talk very often about sexism in tech and engineering, where the fields are made up of mostly men. After a significant incident, I often get questions from many men who all want to know the same thing:

“How can I help make things better?”

If you’re a man whom I have directed to this page, it’s not because I don’t care about you as an individual but because I am often asked the same questions and I figured I should have a nice place to direct people when I don’t have the time or energy to respond to every single person.

I have a ton of thoughts on this, and I know you probably do too. But I honestly do think that the answer is fairly simple and straightforward. So, how can you help? Like this:

1) Don’t do The Bad Thing
2) Don’t allow others in your space to do The Bad Thing
3) Raise your son(s), if applicable, to adhere to 1) & 2)
4) If a woman calls your behavior or attitude out, do not react defensively but instead listen and reflect.*

That’s it. That’s all you have to do.

I recently spoke to a man, whom I care about and trust completely, about all of this. He was brutally honest with me - for which I am grateful. In his opinion, most men who make comments like “I would’ve fired them on the spot for that” or “I would call out any man who said sexist things around me” etc. are lying. Not all, but most.

He went on to explain to me that, despite how much he cares about me and the other women in his life, he believes it’s very unlikely he would ever call out a coworker, boss, etc. for sexist behavior that wasn’t immediately and explicitly and obviously fucked up. Would he participate? No. But would he say something? Probably not, out of fear for his job. And this is true probably for most men out there.

Hearing him on this was very hard to stomach, and it honestly made me feel pretty hopeless. But I can’t pretend I don’t believe him: I have personally called out men at various workplaces of mine in the past for sexist behavior and it has always, without fail, strained our relationship and made things very uncomfortable from that moment onward. Calling out sexist behavior has never made things immediately better for me. And that’s what sucks. It is very difficult to address these kinds of issues without sacrificing your own comfort, stability, and sometimes beneficial relationships with people.

Is the 1-4 list above the best advice I can give? Yes, because I believe it is still the most efficient way to address sexism in the workplace and elsewhere. But is it the most practical advice I can give? No, it probably is not.

So, I’m still working out how I can give practical advice to men without ignoring the reality that many of you, despite what you say online (sorry, guys…), are actually not going to follow the advice I gave above. I may update this page in the future as my thoughts evolve, or I may not. I’m not sure. In the meantime, I ask that you please at least try to adhere to the advice I (and other women) give on this. Perhaps you can’t do it all the time, but maybe every once in a while? Every time you call out another man on things like this, it helps. And every time you do not participate in this behavior, it also helps.

Thank you for visiting this page and reading what I have to say. There are a lot of other women out there (who are more articulate, more educated than me) who have addressed these kinds of issues, and I encourage you to seek out the articles and blog posts they’ve written, the videos they’ve made, etc. This is a tough subject with a lot of nuance.

Thank you for caring.

*If you need 24+ hours to arrive in a state of mind that allows you to accomplish this, take them.

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